You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.