iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
same energy
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on