ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.