Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you