Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.