wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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I have 2 kids?!
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No thanks
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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