What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff