It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.