waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Beware of the dog..
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.