the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
this has to be peak English
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading