Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.