Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.