Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?