Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
my dad has had enough
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.