Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Not today
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?