Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
real
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”