unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.