Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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TRAIN’S HERE
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast