A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.