What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not