Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Well, shit
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).