My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.