I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
the world’s most popular steaming services
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been