Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume