[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
PLOT TWIST:
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.