Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie