Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.