Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Lmao the reply
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Cats (2019)
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*