I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler