Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The French cow says MEUX…
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.