[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
excuse me
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children