After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
You Might Also Like
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.