Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.