Tuesday
You Might Also Like
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what