My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐