Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?