Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t