I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.