Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space