I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You Might Also Like
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Not my job 😂
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.