I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?