Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
wut hotdog?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.