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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally