Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…