He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.