My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.