Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”