Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*