Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn