Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!